This Crazy World

2007-03-10T22:07:00.000-05:00

I miss you and I love you.

2007-01-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

Yay! I got a job as teller at M&T Bank, so I'm starting there Feb. 5th. I'm so excited. Well, I'm a little nervous too but mostly excited.

2006-12-25T22:24:00.000-05:00

I wish that I knew how to feel or what to think or what to do, but I don't. I just wish that things would make sense.

2006-12-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

I would call this an update but that would imply that there's something new going on or happening, but there's not. So I guess that you can just call this a mindless rambling session because I seem to be doing that a lot lately, mindlessly rambling. I miss having a life outside of work. I miss going out and doing things. And it's not really like I did all that much before but it was nice to know that I could if I wanted to. And I've just gotten to the point that I hate my job so much that I'm just miserable every day that I have to go into work and its just gets worse every day. So needless to say, I'm looking for another job. I applied for a job at the bank so I'm really hoping that it works out. Even if it doesn't, I still want to find something else because at this point anything would be better than what I'm doing now.
Let's see, what else can I ramble on about. I've been thinking in circles again about things lately and I thought that maybe if I just got them out it would help but at this point I can't even make coherent sense out of my thoughts anymore and its driving me nuts. I don't know anymore, about anything.

2006-08-14T16:06:00.000-04:00

So I finally have something new to talk about rather than just the same old things that I always talk about. My news is that I'm going to be moving down to Florida in March when the lease on my apartment is up. I'm really excited about going but I'm a little scared too, but not enough to not make me not want to go. I can't wait to get out of Buffalo. It's not that I don't love everyone here, well almost everyone, it's just that I'm so tired of the same thing and this is a really good chance to start over. Plus the fact that I'll be living pretty much on the beach which just kicks ass because I love the beach. And I won't have to deal with the snow anymore because I'm really starting to hate the snow, a lot. The only thing that really sucks though is that winter break is going to be the last time that most people are going to be home from school again before I leave so that's the last time that I'm really going to get to see everyone before I leave. I mean I'll be back to visit as often as I can, it's just that I don't know when everyone else is going to be home. That's one of the only things that is really going to suck about leaving, is that I am really going to miss everyone. But at the same time I can't wait to go. Everyone should come down and visit me sometime after I move.

2006-07-28T22:29:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I really meant more than once every six months when I said that I'd try to update more often from now on, so oops. This is the first time that I've actually had time to update and have actually had something to say. Ok, well I really don't have much new to say but that's beside the point. I just thought that it was about time to update to let everyone know, that yes, I am still here, I've just been hiding a lot. Not intentionally hiding, but hiding none the less. I really haven't had much of a life outside of work lately and it really sucks but when I say not much of a life, I mean pretty much none at all. I don't get the chance to really go out all that often anymore, so I just got to the point where I just really stopped trying and let me tell you, its been boring as hell sitting at home almost every night. I'm so sorry that I've lost touch with everyone and at this point I'm not really all that sure how to go about getting back in touch with everyone. I really do miss everyone.

2006-02-20T17:56:00.000-05:00

So I finally decided that it's been way too long since I've actually updated this thing. Now the question is where do I start? I guess I'll just say whatever it is that comes to mind, not neccessarily in any particular order. Well first of all, I got a promotion at work, so now I'm managing my own store out in Lockport which is pretty cool. It's a lot more money than I was making before and a lot more work, but it's all worth it I guess. The only thing that sucks is that all I've been doing lately is work. It's hard to go out because I usually have to get up early for work the next day which means that I usually end up just sitting at home just about every night. It kinda sucks not being able to have much of a life outside of work but then again I didn't really have much of one before. I guess before it was just nice to have the option to go out if I had wanted to. Oh well, its really not that bad.
Let's see, what else. Oh yea, I'm going to be moving again in about a week or so. I was supposed to be moving out to the Lockport area but that kinda fell through so now I'm just moving down the street. The new place is as least twice the size of where I am now and only a little bit more in rent. It's gonna be great to finally have space to put all of our shit and to actually be able to have more than 4 people over at a time without it getting crowded.
Hmm, what's next. I have kittens now, four of them actually. Two boys and two girls. We've had the three of them for about 5 months now and we rescued the other one from outside a couple weeks ago. They're all just so cute! They can be quite a handful at times but I love them and I wouldn't get rid of them for anything. They've kept me company during a lot of those nights at home. That'll be another nice thing about the new apartment, we'll finally have enough room for all of the cats.
Well, that's really all that I can think of right now. I just got home from work a little while ago so needless to say I'm a little tired. Sorry that I don't update this thing more often. I'll try to from now on. I really hope that everyone is doing well and I miss everyone and can't wait to see all of you again. Bye!

2005-11-11T23:55:00.000-05:00

I hate days like today. Days when I feel like screaming and crying for no apparent reason. Sometimes I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I know that tomorrow I'll be fine and look back and realize that there really is no reason to feel the way that I am right now. But right now I am feeling this way and it sucks.

2005-10-29T00:57:00.000-04:00

So its been I don't know how long since I've actually posted anything on here but I don't know, for some reason I was in the mood to now. I don't really know what to say or if there really is anything much to say at all but I guess that really doesn't matter much. Probably not too many people will even see this, if any even do at all.

I've been in this kind of weird mood for the last week or so and I don't really know what it's all about. It's not like anything is really wrong. Everything is good, ok well almost everything is good. I've never had a time in my life when absolutely everything was good so I wouldn't really expect it to start being that way now. And I really am happy with my life and what it is. Honestly, for the most part I'm happier than I've ever been before in my life and happier than I ever thought would be possible, happier than I thought that I would ever let myself become. I guess I just feel like there's still something that I'm looking for but I have no idea what it is and there are times when I feel like I'll never know. It just gets frustrating sometimes thats all. And I guess that there are still times when I feel like I'm just waiting for something to come along and take everything away from me that makes me happy because it's happened to me too many times before in my life I guess for me not to expect it this time.

I think that I've just been thinking about things too much again.

2005-02-21T16:56:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody. Sorry that it's been so long since I've posted anything. My life has been pretty crazy these last couple of months, both in good and bad ways but what else is new. I'm sorry if anyone has tried to get in touch with me in the last couple of weeks and couldn't. I just moved out and I have a new cell phone which means a new number. My new number is 816-5715. I'll try to keep in better touch with everyone in the future and I'll post again soon. Bye!

2004-11-10T23:40:00.000-05:00

Really should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything, but no.....

2004-10-26T03:22:00.000-04:00

Ok, so not really too sure how this happened and it's probably one of the last things that I was expecting, especially right now, but I'm not complaining about it. I'm just surprised as all hell about it, that's all. It's amazing the way things can happen sometimes and I guess what's meant to happen is going to happen. For the first time in a while I'm actually smiling and it feels good. Now we just have to see where this all goes. It'll be interesting to say the least....

~Paige

2004-10-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

Now more than ever I realize how much my friends really mean to me and how much I miss all of you. I've really needed a shoulder to cry on but there's no one here that I can turn to and I don't know what to do.

2004-10-12T16:43:00.000-04:00

Finally facing reality and coming to the realization that things will never be like they used to be has been hard and it sucks to say the least.

2004-09-28T17:20:00.000-04:00

Those people that say that time heals all wounds are such liars. Well, misleading anyways. Everyday the pain just gets worse, not better. The only thing that changes is that everyday I learn a little more either how to deal with the pain or just how to ignore it for a while. I don't think that this pain will ever go away. I know that's it's only been a week, but that doesn't matter, it still hurts and I don't think that it will ever go away. I wish it would though. I hate feeling like this. It's so frustrating hoping with everything that you have and that you are for something that you used to have but you know that you'll never get it back again. I just want things to make sense in my life for once. Things are never easy for me and I know that life isn't supposed to be easy but it doesn't have to be this hard, does it? I don't know, maybe this is just what my life is meant to be.

~Paige

2004-09-22T01:23:00.000-04:00

It literally feels like someone just ripped my heart out. I've felt pain so many times before in my life but it's never been like this. It feels like my life just hit a brick wall that came out of nowhere and now I have no idea what to do. How am I supposed to move forward and get over this? I don't even know what to think right now, much less what to do. I just want things to be the way that they used to be. Why does nothing good in my life ever last?

2004-08-26T23:07:00.000-04:00

Ya know, this whole having to watch everyone leave and say goodbye to them thing really sucks.....

~Paige

2004-08-16T14:55:00.000-04:00

So, have I ever mentioned to anyone how much I hate hospitals? Well, just in case I haven't, let me put it this way: I HATE, loathe hospitals. I mean really, really, really, really, really hate hospitals. I have spent way too much time in hospitals over the years but it's never been for me. It's always been to visit someone else and I don't want to do it anymore because it sucks. I think one of the things that I hate most is the smell. It's a constant thing in every hospital I've ever been at. It's everywhere you go. And it's a smell that you find only in a hospital, which come to think of it, is probably a good thing. And the other thing that I hate about hospitals is the way the people look, with the tubes and the needles and the monitors. If I never saw another hospital in my life, I would be only too happy.

2004-07-28T15:41:00.000-04:00

I can't believe how much things changed with one phone call. In the back of my mind, I always knew that it was a possibility but now that it's actually happening, I don't know what to do. Where are things going to go from here? I don't want things to change between us, but I know that they are. How am I going to deal with this? Why are things never easy for me? Why is everything in my life so difficult and complicated? Why when I am so happy does this have to happen? I don't know anymore.

~Paige

2004-07-16T22:02:00.000-04:00

I can't believe how happy I have become. I never thought that I could feel this way. I never thought that i deserved this, but i realize now that i do, no matter what anyone else might tell me. As happy as i am though, I in a way feel guilty for being this happy when i look around me and i see people that i care about so much aren't as happy as they deserve to be. I just want to help them to be happy but I don't know how to. But to the one person who will never read this because you don't know about this, thank you for everything, you have no idea what you have done for me and how much it means to me and how important you are to me.

2004-06-30T00:10:00.000-04:00

:-D

2004-06-22T01:06:00.000-04:00

Yea, so I should really be banging my head against a wall right now because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing or why I'm even doing what I am, but I'm doing it anyways. What is wrong with me?

~Paige

2004-05-24T22:24:00.000-04:00

You know, if it's not one thing, it's a million fucking other things and it's really starting to piss me off and frustrate me. aaahhhhhh!!!!

~Paige

2004-05-12T22:17:00.000-04:00

Yea, it's been a while since I've posted anything so I finally figured that I would because so many things have just been running crazy through my mind that I finally just need to get it all out. Most of this probably won't make sense to a lot of people so you can just ignore this if you want to. Most of this is just going to be rambling off the next thing that I think of anyways. So too many things have been happening at once again and it kinda sucks. And with things that happened today I've just been wondering why can't things ever be easy? How am I supposed to tell them the truth? How am I supposed to tell them that I can't stay in this house anymore? How am I supposed to to that to them, tell them that this house at times has literally almost killed me and I honestly don't know if I could handle staying in this house any longer than I have to. And with everything that is happening and has happened before my heart just aches so much sometimes that it almost feels like it's bleeding. All I want sometimes is for the pain to go away, for something to just take it away because there are times when it even hurts to breathe. All I want is to be free but I don't know how to do that. I want so much to just let myself be who I am and be happy but I am so afraid of it. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm just going in circles and it can be so frustrating.

Ok, perhaps enough rambling for one night. I'll try to post again sometime soon.

~Paige

2004-04-01T17:02:00.000-05:00

Haha, it's amazing sometimes how much things can change. Although this time it's been a good change for once. I feel really happy and that's something that I haven't truely felt in a very long time so this feels really good. I just wish that I could make everything for everyone like this.

2004-03-26T16:36:00.000-05:00

AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-03-22T22:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, this post is really only for one person, so if you're not that person, you can just ignore this if you want to. Steve, is everything ok? I'm just asking because I kind of feel like you're avoiding me and I just don't know if I did something to upset you or what. I really miss being able to talk to you and seeing you and I don't know what's happened. If you read this anytime soon, please just call me or e-mail me or im me or something please. I miss you and I just want to talk to you.

~Paige

2004-03-21T18:45:00.000-05:00

It's me again. Ok, well no duh it's me, it's my blog, who else would it be? Yea, well anyways, I kinda feel like I'm going out of my mind right now. Why can things never be simple? Why do things always have to get so freaking complicated? I've been trying to find a way to fix things, but nothing that I'm doing seems to be working. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I'm getting to the point where I have to do something to fix this whole thing. People think that this would be a good problem to have, but it's really not. It sucks!! Blah, onto other things. Ok, well actually my mind is drawing a total blank right now, so I guess that's all for today. bye everyone!

~Paige

2004-03-02T21:06:00.000-05:00

Hey, it's me. So I finally have some time again to post. Now the question is, what do I say? Well, my life has been crazy as usual for the last couple of days. Between school and work, I barely ever have time to slow down and just do nothing. I'd like to be able to just do nothing for an entire day again sometime soon but who knows when that's going to happen. Most of the time I really don't mind working because it gets me out of the house but there's just times when it really freaking sucks. Like when you have to deal with stupid people, both that come into work and the ones that I have to work with. And the other day this guy that I absolutuely can not stand came into work and he was trying to hit on me and every other female in the store and he just doesn't get the hint that no one is interested. He's just one of those really dumb ass guys that just give other guys a really bad name. Sorry, enough with the rambling on about work. Onto other more random things. Oh, like all of the stuff that I've been having to do recently to start to get ready for graduation. Like today when I had to hand in the form for cap and gown and planning the graduation parties and everything like that. It's just weird to think about, that in less than 4 months I'm going to be done with high school. There's part of me that's really happy because I am so sick sometimes with dealing with all of this high school crap but then there's also this part of me that doesn't to leave because I'm kind of afraid to go out into the world and I'm going to miss everyone. I don't, I guess I'll just find ways to deal with everything as it comes along because that's what I've done with everything else so why should this be any different?

And this really has nothing to do with anything, but I've just been thinking about it, so I decided to just write it down to try to get it out of my head. It's just that I can really confuse the hell out of myself sometimes. I just think about things too much and I end up going in circles with things. I'm so glad that I have a chance to be happy but there's still this part of me that's kind of afraid to let myself be too happy because I've just seen too many things to not be somewhat afraid. I know that what happens with me has nothing to do with what I've seen but I still can't help being a little afraid. I don't even know if that makes sense. Somehow it does to me but it just seems like sometimes when I try to explain that to other people they just don't really understand it.

Ok, well I think that I'm done for today. I'll write again later. Bye!

2004-02-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

Hi, it's me, Paige, and this is my blog. I was kinda talked into doing this, but I don't really mind because I've been wanting to do this for a while anyways. Well, I don't really have a lot of time to post anything else right now but I will as soon as I have the chance. Bye!